The Undermining of the Self

 "We aspire for a knowledge truly knowing,
 for a power truly powerful,
 for a love that truly loves."
                              
                              Mirra Alfassa (The Mother) qtd. in Kelly Cutrone's If You Have To Cry, Go Outside


You are here. You made it. You throw away your jeans on the floor. You'll pick them up later. Whenever-you-want-later. This is the place where you walk barefoot, measuring your steps to the kitchen. Where all the mistakes are to be forgiven, where all second chances are to be seen like necessities. This is where you weigh yourself every now and then, where you are you and where they are elsewhere. Wherever-they-want-elsewhere. You meditate upon a world which offers you all the chances. Not just one, not just a second chance, but all the chances. In the world.

You have to know you are worthy of your path. You look around and you're not yet quite sure if the inner voice reflects the outside. But you are here. And you made it. You made some part of it. This is where you control chaos and order at the same time. This where you know the hours. You know how the room will look when it's three o'clock. You know how noisy it will get around six in the evening.

You celebrate it. Because every now and then, you remind yourself that you are here. You have everything you need to go everywhere you want. And this is something you would tell anyone, yet very few people say it back. The world gives you all the chances. But you could say no to every one of them. It is not up to the world for you to succeed in anything. It is up to you what you do with the chances you are given. So, what do you do?

This is where you are allowed to want and not want at the same time. This is not just an apartment, this is your life.